I am not going to lie. This post was not written this morning. I wrote it when I had time to write it.
Today is the day. It's 9-9-09. I am 29 years old this morning. 1 year shy of base camp. Today my wife is embarking on a journey that will forever change her. Physically, mentally, and although we are not huge church goers, spiritually. She is giving life to a child today, something I know nothing about and can never do. I am in awe of mothers everywhere.
I would be telling you a lie if I wasn't a fit nervous, excited, and petrified. My wife is about to go through THE most painful experience of her life, and I am going to be a glorified cheerleader. My wife is doing all the work. I'm just the spectator. I can sit and be comfortable. I can get up and pee when I feel like it. She is giving life. Everything in my life now seems to have the volume turned down.
With new life comes new concerns with my ability to parent. My biggest fear is for Audrey to feel forgotten. That is the last thing I want to have happen. I am sure it will not, but nonetheless the concern is in my brain. Many say that it would be nerve wracking if I didn't have that in my head. I would tend to agree.
My mission in life is to be the Dad to my children, that my dad never was to me. I saw him every other weekend for most of my life. Part of that was his choice of career, part of that was apathy. Did he care? Maybe? Did he make it known? Nope.
Many might say this is a cynical view to take, as I bitch and moan about not seeing my daughter because of work. Maybe it was the same with my dad? Maybe, but maybe not. The summer before last I saw my dad for the first time in close to 4 years. He made a surprise visit to Cleveland. He stopped at my brother's house. I saw him. I cried. After he left, I e-mailed him a few times. Still to this day I have not gotten a response back. He has seen his grand-daughter once in the last 5 years. He might not even see the new one we are about to welcome. He sends Christmas presents every year, but there is only so far that goes.
I try very hard to be there for my daughter. Be there on days I am not required to. Be there because I want to be there, not because social responsibility requires me to be there. I don't want to be a dad who just writes a child support check and thinks that that is enough. It's not.
With a new life comes new love. A part of me is scared of this love. How could I love another child as much as I love the one I already have? I haven't known unconditional love until Audrey was here. I haven't known what true love was until Audrey was here. How could I take all of this emotion and split it between two very very equal wholes? The anxiety of waiting is killing me. I don't know what to do with myself.
My wife is probably just getting into her room at this point. Wish us luck as we embark on a journey of discovery today.
You have your boarding pass.
Audrey has her backstage pass.
Yarn and... teeth.
1 year ago