Thursday, September 24, 2009

The Black Balloon Coffee

Pop Quiz hot shot.

Your boss at work has recently gotten on this kick where she likes to make sure you are on-time and they are sitting by the door to the office with a clock and marking you late even if it's just by 30 seconds. It's an exercise in micro management, and it has you scrambling in the morning.

You pour yourself your favorite cup of coffee in your favorite travel mug for the car, and you have a nice packed lunch of left-overs from the night before sitting on the counter waiting for you. You iron your clothes in your underwear and get dressed in the kitchen with your dog looking on with a sense of relief that it doesn't have to wear clothes.

You glance at the clock just as you pull on your pants and tie your tie and all of a sudden, you're late. You remember the last staff meeting where your boss rowed on and on about attendance and the policy if you are tardy.
You run out the door.

It isn't until you are 5 minutes from the house that in your haste NOT to get in trouble, you forgot the fabulous cup of coffee and your fantastic lunch. You can't turn around and go back and you quickly balance your checkbook in you head. There is a Starbucks on the way to work. You can stop and get your coffee on the way, and then buy your lunch.
During your quick assessment of your finances, you realize you have enough for coffee or a small lunch.

What do you do? In an effort to feed the hunger pangs, you opt for lunch and decide to drink the sludge the office provides for free. A sacrifice. You're stomach thanks you.

No longer do you have to sacrifice yourself on the bad coffee grenade. Starbucks, the chain coffee shop that you just shunned because their coffee is so god damn expensive has finally given you something you could use.

Enter. Starbucks VIA Ready Brew. What is it? It a micro-ground coffee that you put in either hot or cold water, and it INSTANTLY brews your coffee.

Yes. Instant coffee. But this stuff isn't that Folger's Crystals bullshit. There isn't a shred of chemicals in this stuff. It's real coffee beans.

I can't believe it. The coffee is packaged the same way Crystal light is for your water bottle. I think they should have just put this stuff in a black balloon and had a drug dealer named Tank sell this shit on the street. It's so addicting, it SHOULD be illegal.

There is a wacky wacky side effect. There is so much surface area on the grind of the beans, it gets a TON of caffeine out of the beans. For a hardcore coffee drinker, like myself, to get the jitters after drinking a double serving of 16oz, you know the shit is awesome!

Instant Coffee by Starbucks. I'm sure Juan Valdez is kicking himself in the ass for not thinking of this one. Taster's Choice and Folgers Crystals, you guys always sucked ass, now you need to search for taste.

Thanks Starbucks for this. Now I can stash a package in my locker at work, or in my car, or at home when I feel lazy.

Full bodied and flavorful. Nice work!

*Side note to Starbucks: Please send many many free samples to my house, or maybe just a check for this rousing endorsement. I know you're good for it!*


LiLu said...

I would totally try that. It's like you're an astronaut!

Vodka Logic said...

This will come in handy in the middle of the night at work. They were talking about it at "my" starbucks the other day. Can't wait to try it.

They have to go to special training classes apparently.

Julie said...

Sweet, simple coffee solution for those late nights at the theater. There's a bux right across the street and I think we have good coffee creamer in the fridge.

Now seriously, how did you charm a free sample of this stuff out of the barista? cause seriously I didn't think they were giving samples. of course I didn't ask either.

ashley said...

Wow! That is so awesome & literally MADE for me! Yes, I am the coffee-addicted woman who is forever late. I need to find out where to buy these bad boys!

MARTIN said...

dont you mean juan valdez is kicking his ass, you know... the donkey?

Kelly Muys Wood said...

Who knew? Now if only there was an instant Bloody Mary...


~K said...

Do you have to find a healthy vein first..or can you snort it?

Loredana said...

Ok, lets first touch upon the beginning of your blog...your boss has recently gotten on this kick where she (my case he) like to make sure you are on-tie and they are sititng by the door to the office with a clock and marking you late even if it's just by 30 seconds-(in my case it's a little different- mean WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?!?!?

Secondly, I just finished commenting to someone that I can't do Starbucks because I can't pay a mortgage to buy a cup of coffee. BUT like in your case, when I'm late, it's the easiest place to go to cause they're right downstairs from our office. But now you have just shared with us this 'instant coffee' dream and I can't wait to try it!

Just Jules said...

this made me laugh in so so many different ways!

I am with Ken - can I just put it in my mouth like a little chew pack?

Jinxxy said...

given the coffee / lunch choices- i'd go coffee every time myself.

as a coffee addict with NO LOCAL starbucks- you're killing me here!! i wonder if they'll sell it by the case online???