Wednesday, April 28, 2010

See if you can find me

Well today I am not here.  I am over here writing about joint checking accounts.

You will be surprised as to which side I am on, but in reality, I can argue both sides of the issue.

Go check it out.  Comment and tell us what you think.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Pooping at work?

When is it acceptable to poop at work?  I think that is a fair question.  Since I have started a new job, it's nice to revisit the subject as to remind myself of the proper etiquette before my bowels need to have a pyrotechnic show that would probably rival Thunder over Louisville.

The reason I ask this question as there is always that guy in the office that can't wait to get to work and drop a deuce.  Usually it's a young guy who recently moved in with his girlfriend and is freaked out about scaring the girl off by the odoriferous colon he has in his pants.  But, we often think of the nasty dumpers as dudes, but in my long career of working in small staffed offices, there are just as many girls who can poop with the best of them.  Usually the girls who poop at work are also those who have recently moved in with their boy and are trying to keep up the guise that they don't poop.  Just like they don't sweat, fart, or even stink after working out.

We all know that after about 2 years of living together, sharing a space, and even occassionaly enjoying a pleasurable romp in bed, that they do actually poop.  They also sweat, and if your romps are good enough, sometimes you both stink and sweat after. 

So this leaves me to pontificate the correct way to poop at work. 

It is only acceptable to poop at work in the case of an extreme emergency.  You know the, oh my god, that Chipotle Burrito washed down with the extra hot sauce emergency.  The holy shit, I can't believe I ate the squirrel on lunch. 

Recreational shitting is to be done in your own home, and not part of a regular routine at work. 

Thank you for your time and consideration, now light that candle, it stinks in here.

Monday, April 19, 2010

My Wii called me Obese...

...and unfortunately it might be right.

If you follow me on Twitter, you might have noticed that I was looking for a Wii Fit Balance Board for my daughter's birthday.  Well not long after her birthday, the greatest wife in the world, my wife, not yours, found one at a Target and quickly scooped it up.
Well as The Wifey left this past weekend to visit her family in Kentucky, she left Audrey and I behind to fend for ourselves.  Well Audrey's idea was to unpack the Wii Balance Board and get to it.  So we did.  

To get it set up, as Audrey and I were clueless, I decided to be the guinea pig and step on.  It goes through a series of activities to determine you "Wii Fit Age".  It said that my "Wii Fit Age" was 30.  Fitting as this year I DO turn 30.  So I thought, hell, maybe I am a little more healthy than I think.  Like everyone else I have the same self image issues most of us do.  We don't think we look all that great, because the magazines tell us we don't.  
So as I stood on an electronic box, sipping a beer, it gave me the most humbling news.  My dreaded BMI.  It was up there.  It said my ideal weight for a guy my size and age is 166 pounds.  Then it gave me what my real weight was.  

I almost dropped my beer on the fucking thing.  I would have been fine with letting my mom come over with her eternal pissing beast, and let him piss all over this contraption.  I tried to hide the tears that shrink wrapped my eyes.  I knew I had gained some weight recently, but I had no idea how much I really had gained.  Sure my pants are up 2 sizes and now even those are getting snug, and I've noticed stretch marks in places I didn't have them before, and right then and there I realized I was becoming the dumb fat guy.  I wasn't taking care of myself the way I should be.  

I am starting to run the risk of having heart disease, running the risk of not being able to run with my daughters.  Running the risk of becoming unattractive in my wife's eyes.  

These are all real fears.  These can be motivation to real change.  

My younger brother was once in my place.  Gaining weight and not caring.  Then he realized one day that something needed to change.  About a year later after he was down nearly 75 pounds, be said, there is no such thing as a diet.  There are all these fad diets, Adkins, South Beach, The Cookie Diet, and they are all bullshit.  None of them work.  You have to make a lifestyle change.  You have to change what you keep in your fridge, you have to change how you wake up in the morning.  Sure there are things you have to sacrifice, like the 8 pounds of salt you throw in your chicken, or the 25 scoops of sugar you put in your coffee.  

I once tried this so called lifestyle change, and it worked, for the 2 weeks I did it.  Because of my brother, I was able to cut sugar out of my coffee altogether, and drink it straight up, and I still do to this day.  I lost 15 pounds in 2 weeks, just by doing that.  But after my wedding and during my wife's pregnancy, that lifestyle was long gone.  I was back to eating whatever the fuck I cared to.  Like chicken covered in cheese.  Like eating a hamburger 6 of the 7 nights of the week.  Like sitting on the couch watching television instead of outside walking the dog.  

Life has certainly changed, and because my wife has felt so run down, I have let myself feel run down. 

So as I stood there, looking at the television shocked to see that the scale was up past the 250 pound mark, I decided there needed to be a little change in my life.  So I did was anyone would have.  I finished my beer and ran the equivilent of a mile and a half in my living room on the Wii Fit with my daughter.  Being active together.  Sweating.  Laughing at each other.  

Today I finished filling out the paperwork to get a scholorship to the YMCA they are building near the house.  If we are going to change, we are changing as a family.  

This past Sunday, I woke up with Audrey, and we went to church with friends of mine.  It was the first time in a long time that going to church was fun for me.  It was on my terms.  

This new challenge will be to.

**that is NOT a photo of me

Monday, April 12, 2010

Glenn Beck spews hatespeak?

Who is Glenn Beck? 

Glenn Beck is a syndicated radio talk show host, and host of a program on Fox that bears his name.  Many call him a religious zealot.  Many call him a hate monger.  Many call him conservative.  Many call him a Republican.  I call him nothing like that.  I call him an educator, I call him an entertainer.

Many years ago I was a broadcast student.  I was psyched about learning a new profession that had intrigued me for so long.  I was sitting near the rear of the classroom listening to my instructor give his 'opening monologue' if you will. 

The message that day resonated in me.  It still lives in me today as I write this trivial blog.  At the end of the day, your program you are working the board on, producing, directing, hosting, or contributing should answer 2 questions.  Did you learn something?  Were you entertained?

At the end of every class he asked those 2 questions before he dismissed us. 
I believe Glenn Beck has the same meeting with his production staff.  I want to entertain as well as educate America.  Thus the tag line of his show, 'the fusion of entertainment and enlightenment'. 

Do I think Glenn Beck is right all the time?  No.  Do I think he is more right than I want to believe?  Sometimes.  Am I entertained by the character that is Glenn Beck? Absolutely. 
This week I saw a bunch of tweets that talked about why Glenn Beck must be stopped.  Why Glenn Beck spews hate.  Why Glenn Beck's advertizers should not buy ad space on his program.  Then they seemed flaborgasted when he came out and said, ' I'm just an entertainer.'

See! Everything he said is bullshit! He knows nothing! Some of these tweets said. 
I'm just surprised all these people thought of him as anything other than an entertainer.  He doesn't have a party affiiliation, although he leaned a bit liberal prior to 9/11.  He is not a Republican, Democrat, or Green Party, or whatever party there might be.  He is what I would call a Constitutional Traditionalist.  He beleives in the Constitution and he feels many people after the founding fathers corrupted, or maybe prostituted the interpretaition of it.  His program breaks down his views on how they did just that. 

He targets a type of person called a, progressive.  A progressive as they called it was not about progressing America, but retarding it and restoring big government. 

The states gave the Federal Government power, not the reverse.  The progressives, according to Beck want to destroy America.  He uses case study from way back when, to today to prove his point.  This is hard to watch or listen to, or even be told, but in the end, he says if you are trying to hijack this country, you are the enemy. 

I happen to stand in line with that.  If you ARE in fact trying to hijack our government, you are the enemy. 

Beck says he is scared that, if things keep going the way they are, then everything will be government run, and thus end the democratic republic.  He says, look at what they did to healthcare, the financial industry with bailouts, the auto industry with bailouts.  The government just didn't hand over money.  They got a stake in the business. 

People forget that JP Morgan bailed out our country during the Depression.  Now, many years later, it is the government who bailed out JP Morgan.

So why are people so pissed off at Glenn Beck?  

Is it because what he says is true?  Is it that everything he says cannot be refuted?  Is it because he can rally people behind him?  Is it because despite what he says, he can still draw the audience?  Is it because you just hate who ever your neighbor likes?  

Many people forget that people like Glenn Beck, Barrack Obama, and whomever else has 'power' is because we give it to them.  It's either afternoon television ratings, voting for them, or going to their sermons everyday.  People like Glenn Beck would have zero power if we didn't give it to them.  

So how does one amass 'power' as they say?  Well as much as we want to believe, it's the detractors that tend to make television personalities more popular.  Howard Stern didn't become the 'King of all Media' by rallying people that liked him, it was pissing off the people who didn't.  In New York, when he was on WNBC, people who liked him tuned in because they wanted to see what he was going to say.  People who hated him tuned in because they wanted to see what he was going to say.  

Jesus wouldn't be as popular as he is without his crucifixion.  His detractors raised such a stink, they put him to the cross.  He died, then he showed off and rose from the dead.  Criss Angel only wishes he could do that trick.

Glenn Beck is no different than Jesus, Howard Stern, or even Barrack Obama.  He says what he says because he can get a reaction.  Either take it or leave it.  For you to assume Beck is anything other than an entertainer, you my friend are the idiot.  You are going to let what an entertainer says get your panties in a twist?  He doesn't make policy.  He doesn't run the country.  

For the record.  Glenn Beck had the same message when George W. Bush was in office.  His message hasn't changed.  

For the record.  I voted AGAINST George W. Bush the first time.  I voted FOR George W. Bush the 2nd time.  I voted AGAINST Obama.