I like to write blogs. Its apparent that I like to tell stories. Since I have a few more people reading my blog who I don't know, and I always like telling this story, I get to tell you, How I Got Married [again].
Our story starts back in 2004. My 1st marriage was on the rocks and I was Tom Hanks and his volley ball. I suddenly found myself, alone. I was still living with my first wife when I asked my best friend Pat to find out what happened to an ex-girlfriend of mine from high school [I took her to her senior prom when I was a sophomore in high school]. His sister was her best friend so I figured that he could do some recon.
It was some weeks later that Pat reported back to me. Turns out that she moved back to Cleveland from Florida. I had just packed all my things and I was determined to reconnect with friends that I had lost contact with since getting married. I needed to find my own identity again.
I remember calling her one day, after I left my wife, on my way home from work. I had no clue what to say. To tell you the truth, I have no clue what I actually said. I remember her calling me back and talking. We both said that we had to get together for some drinks, but nothing really happened. It wasn't until 3 weeks later that she called me back. Truthfully, I wasn't looking to date anyone. I just wanted to see old friends and find myself again. I wasn't expecting her to call me on a Saturday.
"Adam, its Jenn. I need your help." the voice on the other end said.
See on this particular Saturday was Pat's sister's wedding. Jenn was the maid of honor. I knew this. I was looking forward to the reception. My work schedule prevented me from getting to the ceremony and I was also going to be late to the reception, but Pat's sister is also a dear friend, so I made a commitment to be there whenever I could get there.
"Pat is asleep at home and no one can wake him up." The first thing that went through my head was not a good thing. When you call me and say that you can't wake someone up, the next thing out of their mouth isn't expected to me good. I guess my silence forced her to explain herself.
"Pat went home after work to get this tux and he said he was going to lay down and take a nap. Well he turned off his cell phone and his parents are not there to wake him up."
"Ok, so he is about to sleep through his sisters wedding?" I asked.
"I can't do anything right now, but I will keep trying to call him on his home phone and hopefully it will wake him up, and if not, after work I will go over there and wake him up and get him there. Don't worry, but he will be there."
So throughout the day, I called Pat. Every 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 20 minutes. It was 6 hours later and he had not picked up the phone. I guess you would have to know Pat, but him sleeping through a nuclear war wouldn't be surprising. He worked 3rd shift and he has gotten used to sleeping with the hustle and bustle of the world going on around him.
I left work a lot faster than I usually do and started pushing my car as fast as I could towards Pat's house. I continued to call him on my cell phone. He finally answered and was PISSED off.
"Don't ever call that many times over and over again, ever."
I told him to get dressed I will be right there. The dumb ass just slept through his sister's wedding.
By the time I got to his house, he has gotten as far as the door to let me in. He was still in his jammies and had not showered. Wearing his tux at this point was stupid, so I told him to get a suit on. His shirts were wrinkled so as I pushed him into the shower, I found his iron and started to play dry cleaner.
I pressed the shirt, got him a tie that matched and I got my suit on.
I grabbed his keys and said we are taking his car, because mine wasn't as nice, and oh yeah, I'm driving. I map quested the drive, [GPS navigation systems for the cars didn't exist yet].
I got the car started and he was in the passenger seat, and I asked if he got his sister a card. Seeing as he has now missed the most special day in his sister's life, I figured a card would be appropriate.
We went to a local grocery store, I got a card for his sister and I made him buy flowers and a card. We got back to the card and he said, "Dude, what do I write."
I stared at him blankly and said, "How about, Shelly, I'm sorry for sleeping through your wedding."
I looked at the map quest directions. The bottom told me that the reception hall was 1 hour and 35 minutes, from Lakewood, Ohio. I was in Avon Lake which was 30 minutes further away. I called Jenn and left her a message.
"Jenn, its Adam. I have Pat and we are heading your way. We should be there in an hour and 12 minutes." I was just being a smart ass. There was no way we were going to be able to get there that fast.
Then again, I could be wrong. I was driving Pat's car. It had a big block V6 and RAM air, so it was much faster than my 93 Geo Prism.
We got on the road. I averaged speed close to the speed of sound [not really, it was about 90-100mph.]. Much to my surprise, we did in fact arrive 1 hour and 13 minutes later.
Jenn met us at the door and gave Pat a big hug. I also got a hug, and a thank you whispered in my ear.
After the we got there, the reception was winding down. We only had 45 minutes left on the open bar. Pat and I didn't have much time.
Pat knew far more people than I did, and we settled at a table with the best man. The best man was a dorky skinny kid name Heath. He was not Heath Ledger hot. He wasn't even Michael Cera, sheik dorky hot. He was a skinny dork, who, as I found out, drank chick beer [Smirnoff Ice]. Apparently he was wasted after 1 chick beer the night before at the bachelor party. Oh what a hoot that must have been. This guy lived about as far on the edge as my Grandpa. He was so far on the straight and narrow, he probably took turns reading Bible verses for excitement at the bachelor party. Maybe the Book of Revelations, I'm just not sure.
So where people see pity, I saw opportunity. I felt like a father figure who needed to show his son the world, I had a plan. I discussed with Pat this plan. Let's get this kid fucked up beyond belief. He said he had a slight hang over from his binge[1 chick beer] last night. I wanted to show this kid what it was like to have a real hangover. Hugging the toilet, putting your face on the side of the bowl for coolness, and a headache that make a bump on the head seem like a vacation.
Up to the bar we went. He wanted a glass of champagne. I said, "Let's do a shot."
Heath looked at us and said, ok. Then Pat and I told him the rules. You want to hang with the big boys the rule was, whatever we put in front of you, you have to drink, with no chaser [This was something I took from my older brother at my first wedding when he got one of my guys way messed up]. Although this kid probably needed not only training wheels, but probably needed to say no.
"Sure, ok whatever." Heath says.
Pat ordered the first shot. Vodka [Water for Heath]. Heath didn't know what we were doing. We pound it. Pat and I shrug it off, Heath shrugs it off.
"That went down a lot smoother that I thought." Heath says. No shit, it was water!
I was up. Jack Daniels. I pound it, no problem. Pat pounds it, no problem. Heath pounds it, gives the whiskey face, and doesn't seem to have a problem.
Heath just doubled his alcohol intake for 3 days in 1 shot. Shot time was over. I ordered a Jack and Coke, Pat got a beer, and Heath was ordered to drink a Bailey's. Figured we'd give him a little break.
We sat back down, and now that Heath had some liquid courage in him, he starts to talk and talk and talk and talk. He was eyeing up a friend of Shelly and her new husband Chris. She was good looking. He had been trying to dance with her all night, but to no avail. He then was eyeing up Jenn, the maid of honor, Pat's sister's best friend, and also his dance partner earlier in the day. He wanted to dance with her again. Maybe make some small talk, and then tell her that he was in love with her.
"She is by far the hottest girl I have ever danced with." Heath says.
I chuckle and told him to just go ask her to dance. He takes a long drink of his Bailey's while I nurse my Jack and Coke, and I watch him try to approach Jenn. She gets lost in taking photos and walks away from him. He trys to approach again. She takes more photos. I mean it was pretty obvious to the rest of the world she didn't want to dance, but Heath didn't see that hint.
As he comes back, danceless, and alone, Pat and I tell him about girls. He challenged Pat and I to go up to the girls he wanted to dance with and, dance with them. He wanted us to put our "money where our mouths were."
Heath goes and requests a slow song from the DJ, and Pat and I jump into action. Pat sat down with girl #1. He makes small talk, and walks to the dance floor. I mean, beating up a kindergartner wasn't this easy. I look back to where Heath was sitting. His eyes were wide, jaw on the floor. He had that look of, how'd he do that?
I was walking towards Jenn, making sure she didn't really see me. She saw me out of the corner of her eye as I grabbed her camera from her hand with one hand, and I grabbed her hand at the same time with my other.
"We're dancing now."
I put her camera down, and out to the dance floor we went.
As I danced around the floor with Jenn I saw Heath sitting back at the table. His jaw was on the floor.
We were these two late comers who thought that we were the shit, and by all means, proved to Heath that we could, in fact, walk on water. He was a college graduate and yet knew nothing about life. I'm sure he felt insulted, but yet respected us at the same time.
Pat and I shared a look across the dance floor and Jenn and I made small talk.
Since that 1 dance, Jenn and I have been together ever since.
Yarn and... teeth.
1 year ago