Thursday, December 10, 2009

I can help, really.

There has been an ongoing Twitter convo between my blog pal Vodka Logic and myself over the past few days. Because I work in the cell phone industry she has tweeted that I needed to help Tiger delete shit off his phone in an effort to conceal his 'transgretions'.

Although I posted yesterday about Tiger and the whores who loved him, I decided that I needed to post again on the subject, because if it's worth doing, then it's worth OVER doing.

So I wanted to start with just some commentary that started yesterday and I needed to continue it today.  If you recall, I was talking about the women who have come forward to throw Tiger under the bus Escalade.

I saw this report this morning on the Today Show, and I need you to watch for my next comments to make sense.

Can you believe some of this garbage?

Let's take it from the top.

Jamiee Grubs.  Are you fucking kidding?  "He never mentioned his wife, I would have never pursued him had he not pursued me.."

Really?  Where the hell do you live?  Last I checked you lived in America.  Because you are a woman, I am going to assume you have been to the website TMZ.  Here are some photos I have found on TMZ that would indicate that he was married.

[This is Tiger and HIS WIFE at the Ryder Cup! His Wife.]

So Ms. Jamiee Grubbs, you may be able to play the innocent 20 something on Extra, but I am not buying it for one second.  You kept text messages and voicemails over the course of a few years.  You are an extortionist, and a money hungry bitch.  Regardless if Tiger talked about his wife or not, he was married.  I don't buy your story.  You are not some innocent victim.  You are an active participant in this whole thing.

Next, a porn star is talking about how [SHE BANGED SHE BANGED] Tiger.  Nice work, who else have you banged?  Sorry too harsh.  But unlike the Jamiee, you knew he was married and you were proud of it.  I wouldn't have labeled you as a whore for being a porn star.  You are just trying to make a buck.  But when you talk about having sex with a married man and then you brag about it, then that is when I would call you a whore.  Don't mistake me, I think Tiger is wrong too, but there is enough shit going on out there that is ripping him apart, I am just trying to even out the coverage.

Now on to part 2 of the blog.

How can I help you cover your tracks, just in case you need to hide a 'transgression'.  Believe it or not, I have helped jerks hide their tracks at work all the time. 

1.  Do not text message anyone.  They are a written record of you.  When you are as big of a star as you are, it's rather easy to confirm the owner of any number.You never know when some enterprising bitch will leak them to TMZ.

2.  Do not leave voicemail to anyone unless it's your wife, husband, or mom.  Again, the less evidence out there the better.  If YOU got a voicemail, then delete that shit quickly.  Again, a snooping spouse can find shit.

3.  If you are cheating on your spouse, you need to start memorizing phone numbers.  Do not under any circumstances put that person in your phone under their real name.  Again, a snooping spouse can find those and call them.  Awkward alert!

4.  [see #3] If you are not able to memorize numbers, then you need to put their mistresses phone number under a good friend's contact profile.  Like for instance, your agent.  His job is to remember the bitches you have slept with so he can do damage control.  If your agent fucks this up, then you need a new agent.

5.  [see #4] If you have a really good agent, have him keep all the numbers of the bitches you slept with, and call him when you want to talk to them.  He can forward your call to the bitches in question and then you don't have to lie and you can just say, I was just talking to my agent.

6.  Do not fly your mistress to exotic destinations if you are rich.  I have seen many movies where people fly out and meet a mistress only to have their spouse fly in unexpectedly to surprise them.

7.  Get a prepaid cell.  Untraceable as far as a bill in your box is concerned.

8.  Make sure the person you cheat on your spouse with is richer than you.  That way they aren't money hungry and will sell their story to the highest bidder.  Expanding on that thought, make sure they have more to lose than you.

9.  Make sure the person you cheat on your spouse with is also WAY better looking than your current spouse.  I know this isn't the time for thinking of the spouse's self esteem, but this forethought can go a long way in a divorce proceding.

10.  If you do not have the ability to remember number's 1-9 without writing them down, then here is the easy way out.  DON'T FUCKING CHEAT ON YOUR SPOUSE!

I hope this helps you in the future.

Also, this is in response to the woman who stopped legislation to honor Tiger in his professional achievements, you are a stupid bitch.


Vodka Logic said...

"She bang, she bang" just when I thought I had that song out of my head.

I can just hear the convo.
Jaimee "and what do you do for a living?"
Tiger.. "i'm a pro golfer, and you?"
Jamiee.. "oohh I love golf. I'm a whore"
Tiger. "here's my # sext me somemtime"
Jamiee.."ohhh giggle giggle"

Later at home.. "I wonder who this Tiger is.. I"ll ask google"
Results 1 - 10 of about 29,200,000 for tiger woods. (0.20 seconds) [For real btw]
And not one mention of a wife... curious?
One thing I do know is she gives woman and blonds a bad name..

I may not be perfect but I try to keep my eyes open.

Just Jules said...

ok, agreed. for sure.

My questions:
Couldn't you have guessed it? maybe not
Couldn't his wife have? oh yeah. unless she was too busy doing something something on the side NOT to be suspitious.

Are we harsher on him then other sports stars - pretty sure!

David Lettermen's "issue" passed quickly - will Tiger's???

Does it change the way he golfs?

Don't answer... just pondering.

Shawnee's Girl said...

I would just like to point out two things-

1. I am a woman and have NEVER been on TMZ and even still knew he was married and has a child.

2. A big part of the problem is the media. Who really cares if he had an affair. That is between him and his wife (and the other women...) I don't care, I don't want to hear about it. Why is it the media feels they have to know everyone else's business? Why is this news, it is just trash! I think we have passed up the inquiring minds want to know and gone on to nosey assholes just want to be in your business...

*Breathe* Okay I am off my soapbox now. Thank you

SSS said...

Hard hitting and unapologetically insightful.Great blog,love that you cover alot of subjects.

Lols said...

Hahaha... LOL! you're so funny it. So the dumbass got caught - I'm so sick of this story. Can the world get the F*%&k over it already?