Monday, December 14, 2009

Ripped Pants

I am going to make a resounding fuck you to my ass.  It's been just about a year since Jenn came down stairs and told me that my sperm fertilized her egg and that she was now pregnant.  Since then my ass has gotten bigger.

My ass has been reminding me that it's been getting bigger pretty regularly.  It all started when I was at work one day and I bent over.  I heard the first tear along the seem of my work pants while on the sales floor.  The tear wasn't too bad and I was able to work the rest of the day without anyone noticing.

You would think that this would be a warning to get my ass into shape.  Well like a husband to his nagging wife, I ignored the warning.  Over the weekend I my ass made a much larger statement.  It went right through a pair of pants.  A different pair.  It split a pair of pants from zipper to belt loop on the other side.

This happened on the sales floor once more.  As I rushed to the back of the store I was thinking, man, I am sure glad I was wearing underwear today.

What is a guy to do with is ass hanging out of his pants and 5 more hours in their shift?  I did what anyone would do.  I wrapped a sweater around my waist and ran to the Gap, just a few doors down and bought another pair of pants.

This time they were relaxed fit and slightly stretchy.

My ass needs to go on a diet.  No more eating crap.  Walking the dog everyday.  Doing something but sleeping when I get home from work.

Right.

I am gonna have to go on a lifestyle change.  Just need to find time to fit that in my schedule.   

5 comments:

Vodka Logic said...

bwwhhaaaa.... at least you work in a mall, I have had accidents of a different sort [think woman] and didn't have a lot of choices.. blogged about it too.

So some days it's commando, does that make the sales day more fun.

Just Jules said...

I think I am laughing to hard to respond. Ummmmm - I think this is a big trend with men. It is sympathy weight I have seen it time and again. You will slim down again. (again, seen it time and again). In the mean time I hope Gap has a 2 for....

~Kenny said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YgIYjd8Kq38

Cyclin' Missy said...

Same thing happened to my hubby during his brother's wedding. It was in Italy, and the bro decided to buy my hubby a "real Italian silk suit" for the ceremony. Unfortunately, it was street vendor quality and too small. My industrious man ended up re-sewing a seam in the men's room of a restaurant. Nice.

Jinxxy said...

LMAOROTF!!! i'm assuming this "diet" will turn out to be the new years resolution- AFTER the holiday binges??