I can help, really.

There has been an ongoing Twitter convo between my blog pal Vodka Logic and myself over the past few days. Because I work in the cell phone industry she has tweeted that I needed to help Tiger delete shit off his phone in an effort to conceal his 'transgretions'.

Although I posted yesterday about Tiger and the whores who loved him, I decided that I needed to post again on the subject, because if it's worth doing, then it's worth OVER doing.

So I wanted to start with just some commentary that started yesterday and I needed to continue it today.  If you recall, I was talking about the women who have come forward to throw Tiger under the bus Escalade.

I saw this report this morning on the Today Show, and I need you to watch for my next comments to make sense.

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Can you believe some of this garbage?

Let's take it from the top.

Jamiee Grubs.  Are you fucking kidding?  "He never mentioned his wife, I would have never pursued him had he not pursued me.."

Really?  Where the hell do you live?  Last I checked you lived in America.  Because you are a woman, I am going to assume you have been to the website TMZ.  Here are some photos I have found on TMZ that would indicate that he was married.

[This is Tiger and HIS WIFE at the Ryder Cup! His Wife.]

So Ms. Jamiee Grubbs, you may be able to play the innocent 20 something on Extra, but I am not buying it for one second.  You kept text messages and voicemails over the course of a few years.  You are an extortionist, and a money hungry bitch.  Regardless if Tiger talked about his wife or not, he was married.  I don't buy your story.  You are not some innocent victim.  You are an active participant in this whole thing.

Next, a porn star is talking about how [SHE BANGED SHE BANGED] Tiger.  Nice work, who else have you banged?  Sorry too harsh.  But unlike the Jamiee, you knew he was married and you were proud of it.  I wouldn't have labeled you as a whore for being a porn star.  You are just trying to make a buck.  But when you talk about having sex with a married man and then you brag about it, then that is when I would call you a whore.  Don't mistake me, I think Tiger is wrong too, but there is enough shit going on out there that is ripping him apart, I am just trying to even out the coverage.

Now on to part 2 of the blog.

How can I help you cover your tracks, just in case you need to hide a 'transgression'.  Believe it or not, I have helped jerks hide their tracks at work all the time. 

1.  Do not text message anyone.  They are a written record of you.  When you are as big of a star as you are, it's rather easy to confirm the owner of any number.You never know when some enterprising bitch will leak them to TMZ.

2.  Do not leave voicemail to anyone unless it's your wife, husband, or mom.  Again, the less evidence out there the better.  If YOU got a voicemail, then delete that shit quickly.  Again, a snooping spouse can find shit.

3.  If you are cheating on your spouse, you need to start memorizing phone numbers.  Do not under any circumstances put that person in your phone under their real name.  Again, a snooping spouse can find those and call them.  Awkward alert!

4.  [see #3] If you are not able to memorize numbers, then you need to put their mistresses phone number under a good friend's contact profile.  Like for instance, your agent.  His job is to remember the bitches you have slept with so he can do damage control.  If your agent fucks this up, then you need a new agent.

5.  [see #4] If you have a really good agent, have him keep all the numbers of the bitches you slept with, and call him when you want to talk to them.  He can forward your call to the bitches in question and then you don't have to lie and you can just say, I was just talking to my agent.

6.  Do not fly your mistress to exotic destinations if you are rich.  I have seen many movies where people fly out and meet a mistress only to have their spouse fly in unexpectedly to surprise them.

7.  Get a prepaid cell.  Untraceable as far as a bill in your box is concerned.

8.  Make sure the person you cheat on your spouse with is richer than you.  That way they aren't money hungry and will sell their story to the highest bidder.  Expanding on that thought, make sure they have more to lose than you.

9.  Make sure the person you cheat on your spouse with is also WAY better looking than your current spouse.  I know this isn't the time for thinking of the spouse's self esteem, but this forethought can go a long way in a divorce proceding.

10.  If you do not have the ability to remember number's 1-9 without writing them down, then here is the easy way out.  DON'T FUCKING CHEAT ON YOUR SPOUSE!

I hope this helps you in the future.

Also, this is in response to the woman who stopped legislation to honor Tiger in his professional achievements, you are a stupid bitch.

I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger!

Have you never made a mistake?  No?  Well ok you must be Jesus. 

Like you, I have been watching the coverage on Tiger Woods.  Just like I watched the coverage on Bill Clinton, John Edwards, and who ever else you can name that has diddled someone else besides their wife.

This kind of thing, sorry to say, happens all the time.  It doesn't get the least bit of coverage unless it's someone famous. 

I've watched this drama unfold on CNN about Tiger and his voicemails.  Tiger and his Cadillac.  Tiger and another woman besides the one he was already doing.  I am tired of it.  In less than a week Tiger went from being the best golfer in the world, and that's it, to Tiger, the adulterer and drug addict. 

I don't understand.  We built Tiger up to be this amazing golfer, but yet we tear him down immediately when he breaks the mold we had for him in our mind.  We saw him as squeaky clean, can do no wrong, family man, husband.  Now that we see that he is a little human we call him things like bastard, asshole, and dickhead.

He is human.  Like you and me.  He is not different in the end.  So instead of hammering your imaginary gavel and judging him in the courtroom of your mind, think about it this way.  Would you want people talking about you in the same sense if it came out you diddled your baby sitter 3 weeks ago with your spouse upstairs?  Or while you were on a business trip you got loaded and headed to the strip club and you broke the 'no sex in the champagne room' rule?  Would you want your dirty laundry aired for all to see and have your peers instantly judging you based solely on your indiscretions?

The truth is, no one knows what is happening to Tiger, but Tiger.  I don't care how many inside sources you have, no one is going to know the whole story but Tiger and his wife. 

I think it's complete bullshit that we have gone so far into the story as we have. 

Leave the man alone.  Let him either work things out with his wife or let them get divorced.  In the end it's not our business.

Now, for all those women 'coming out'.  Put your gold digger bitch personalities back into your purse and go home.  Yes, Tiger cheated on his wife with YOU.  You are not some unknowing pawn.  You are a conscious partner in this whole masquerade.  The reason you dropped your panties and let him stick it in you is because you wanted to be able to blackmail him later.  You didn't 'love' him.  You didn't care about him.  You wanted what was in his pockets.  Sure, there are two parts to all the stories, but if YOU knew he was married, than why did you even show him the time of day?

Call me crazy, but if a MARRIED guy walked up to you, and YOU KNEW HE WAS MARRIED, and he starts to make advances to you, wouldn't you think he was creepy, an asshole, and a dick?  He was married and it's not like it was a secret Tiger was married. 

So for all you women out there that were WRONGED by Tiger.  Go back to the hole you crawled out of, and get a job.  That is what Tiger did to get all his money.