Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I'm Suing The Clevelnd Browns

So, it being Wednesday and a day AFTER Justifiable Homicide Tuesday, I figured I would chime in on a hot subject.  Frivolous lawsuits.

If I see one more ad on daytime television talking about how this lawyer will "make them pay" I will slit my wrists and bleed on the 1000 thread count Egyptian Cotton sheets I might find somewhere..  The modern day advertising equivalent to ambulance chasers. So while people are having lawyers sue companies for whatever, I am making a list of people to sue.

Today, my target is my beloved Browns.

In 1964 The Cleveland Browns were tops in football.  It was the pre-merger days.  Paul Brown was winning championships with the Cleveland Browns on the legs of Jim Brown.  Cleveland was the mecca of all things pro-football.  With the Pro Football Hall of Fame just a short drive from downtown Cleveland, we would be considered the cradle of professional football.

All you football fans out there, Cleveland says you're welcome.

Then the 80's happened.  The Drive, The Fumble.  Just mentioning these things in front of me makes me want to find a high ledge and just jump off to a nasty death.  Just a side note, I hope I would make a mess. 

In 1995, Cleveland lost its team as they knew it.  Art Modell lacked the business acumen to secure a new stadium and the political clout to get the help to make it happen, but I am pretty sure he just never asked for help either, so he moved the team to Baltimore.  He was forced to leave the team color, name, and history at the door, and Cleveland said, with a middle finger up, "Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out."

In 1999, the Cleveland Browns came back.  With an expansion draft under its belt, they came back to a sold out stadium.  But what they didn't have were the ticks in the win column.

Flash forward.  Its now 2009.  A decade later and the Browns have yet to make it past a division playoff game.  Shit, I would like to string together 2 winning seasons.

So I'm suing the Cleveland Browns.  When I have the opportunity, I will devoutly watch the Browns consistently lose on Sunday.  According to my wife, it seems as though I developed a drinking habit.  When they lose I tend to have more than 3 drinks and when they win, I am too excited to drink, or confused because frankly, it doesn't happen all that often.

I'm filing suit on the Cleveland Browns for leading me to drink.  Start winning, I might settle out of court.


Vodka Logic said...

That is hysterical. Especially ,"and when they win, I am too excited to drink, or confused because frankly, it doesn't happen all that often."

I might just sue Starbucks for what ever addictive component they put in their coffee. Class action all the way

~Kenny said...

The biggest problem with the browns is consistency. Every time someone rises to the top of their game someone else is screwing up enough to offset it. If every one hit on all cylinders they might really be a competitive team

Keith said...

Add me to your suit. I think I've got a good case for pain and suffering...

Will Burke said...

Kudos on getting the button on JJ required reading indeed! I sent the link to some new-Blogging buddies