It's cold

Through out the last few days I have been lazy. I'm not talking don't get everything done lazy, I'm talking don't get off the couch lazy. I have two reasons for my laziness.

1. My wife is now pregnant and with all the changes going on with her, she has been tired, so thus I have been tired. Its a basic example of psychosemantic tranferance. I am not even sure that what I said really exists, but if it didn't before right now, I want a nickles everytime to use it.
2. My prego wife has also been sick with a cold. So she really isn't leaving the couch.
3. Its January in retail. Its slow in the malls and overall retail traffic is down. Unlike what happened in December, January isn't working out so well thus far. Traffic is down, my manager's mood is down, thus my mood is down.

My mood is low right now, but for the most part, I am happy. I mean I still have a job in the worst job market right now, and my wife and child are fantastic, and I have a new child on the way. Everything we have planned seems to be going the way it should, yet, I feel a loss.

I think it has to do with the fact I feel like I have seen the man behind the curtain. At work I know how people get their raises. I cannot tell you the details for fear I could get fired, but it isn't how I thought we got raises. How my company doles out money isn't bad. It's totally legit, but it's like going behind the scenes at Disney World and still expecting the be awestruck when you walk in again. I have been behind the scenes at Disney, but I haven't been back yet, so that analogy is not valid, but hey, I am sure it is close to the same thing. But you know what I am talking about. When you think something is so awesome and become disappointed when you see what really goes on. I cannot expand on this thought, but now you know.

Now a part of me is just plain mad at work too. Throughout the holidays, when things were going great at work, I was the shit. I was the irreplaceable leader of a team that would fall apart if I was not there. I couldn't be replaced for fear of a world wide collapse. Now after the holidays everything is back to the way it was. I am being scrutinized, put under a microscope, and left feeling like I am the worst boss on the planet. Without giving you the boring details, I feel like I am just a punching bag. A part of me wants to see the silver lining, but its hard to think positive when you get a Vander Holyfield body shot to your ribs. Everything at work is politics. Everything I say is used against me. It is a bad place to be in. Especially right now, with the job market the way it is, you cannot help but question yourself about everything. You are given twenty deadlines and if you miss 1 it turns into a catastrophe. I am just sick and tired of the uneven footing!

If you want to look at the silver lining, I have looked back at my performance as a boss. I have done well. I have hit my goals more often than not. When it comes down to it, the proof is in the pudding. Whether or not I get along with my boss is irrelevant, I can sell and do well regardless of the circumstances and so do the teams I manage, so that should give me enough confidence to withstand what ever kind of fire bombing that may come my way.

Time to close this blog down. It seems like it makes no sense, but only to me.

I have put in a request to be interviewed by an other blogger. Go visit her, she has a great blog and some great photos!