LZ Cheer

The air had a bit of a chill in it tonight. It has been raining all day and now into the evening it was turning into snow.

I am sitting on the bleachers on Audrey's cheer practice doing what I do best. Staying quiet and passing judgment.

Cheer practice has become modern warfare in my eyes. The war paint of a cheer leader is not camouflage, but blue glitter. The uniform is not jungle stripes, but a mixture of tailored polyester and other synthetic fabrics. The weapon is not an M-16 but the tooth less smiles of 6 year olds. The more obnoxious the better.

The modern day Huey helicopter is a late model minivan with dual sliding doors.

Today against the cloudy night sky, I parked my car and Audrey climbed out and ran into practice. We were late.

I took my time coming in. I was on a phone call and didn't want the loud music of cheer practice to hinder my ability to communicate.

I hung up the phone and placed my phone back into my pocket and I could hear the faint thumping in the air. I felt like the Vietcong hearing their demise from a H-1 Huey Gun ship filled with highly trained US Army personnel from the 2nd Calvary. The thumping grew louder.

From around the corner came a Chrysler Town & Country. It sped into the parking lot and stopped short in front of the door. The side doors flung open and 8 kids jumped out. The van closed up again and it was gone. The thumping was not of rotor blades, but the massive bass hits of Miley Cyrus.

The whole move had as much precision as Navy SEAL insertion.

I am completely baffled by this whole ordeal. Today is dress rehearsal day. The Cheer Snobs are out in force. They are all criticing their own daughters performance. Who is hurting the team, and who is helping. Of course it doesn't matter that their daughter has been messing up all practice, they are all convinced of their daughters infallible talent.

Audrey's first competition [read: war] is coming up this Saturday. I will have photos no doubt.

You're old, sorry, I don't speak your language!

Well its an early Saturday morning in retail. The malls open a whole hour earlier, so that means the customary mall walkers are out a whole hour earlier. I don't know what it is, but everyone is so grumpy. I have been working for a whole hour and I have already been yelled at by a potential customer because I didn't have any printed literature about a product.

This customer got under my skin in particular because he wanted to know what was new. I show him. He seems interested in what I have to say. He asks if I had anything he could take with him. Well no, we keep all the information on our products online, and I gave him the address. I offer to write it down. He looked at me with such contempt, you would have thought I showed him a video of his wife with a huge black guy named Tiny. He started into me with, you people need to keep the older customer in mind when you are trying to sell us things. Now mind you, this guy couldn't have been a day over 50.

I asked this dude, what he meant. He said that he has been to our website and he is more confused now than he has ever been. He said he came into see me today because he wanted to walk away with something he could read. I asked him what kinds of problems he was having with the website.

He said that every time we sell something to him we assume he knows how to get on the internet.
I can appreciate someone not knowing how to use the internet. I can appreciate someone coming into my store to ask me questions. What I don't appreciate you talking down to me like I am stupid.

Ok I get it. I work in retail. I am somehow less of a human being for enjoying my job, and because you are off on weekends that makes you better than me. And excuse me for assuming you look younger than you are and speaking to you like an adult instead of a child which is what a lot of young people do when they speak to people of your age group. I am not stupid, and when I try and help you understand why we do things the way we do, don't look at me like I am feeding you a line of crap to shut you up.

Now because I can't retort to you in person, here is my retort to you.

You, Mr. Old guy, are the reason this country is in the disastrous downturn it is in. Because of your lack of adaptation and refusal to learn about new technology, is the reason that you still get a paper check for social security. If you got direct deposit it would save ME, the taxpayer millions of dollars in postage. But no, because you were not able to save properly while you were in the work force, you are dependent on the money I pay into the social security system, and when it comes time for me to use that same system that is keeping the roof over your head, there will be none for me. So when you come into my place of work and chastise me for assuming you are smarter than you really are, you need to remember that I and the rest of my generation are paying your bills. Furthermore, if you can't figure out how to type in a question into a search engine, you shouldn't have a computer anyway, let alone looking at a product that will give you that technology in the palm of your hand. So I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart for assuming you know something that you obviously know nothing about. I tried to show you, but your Ben Gay was starting to wear off so you had to leave. So leave. Merry Christmas.

Drive Safe, but not like my wife

The title is just a little jab at my wife.

Before I get into the meat of my blog, let me first wish you and your family a Happy Thanksgiving. How great of a country we have. We dedicate an entire day to gluttony.

God Bless America!

Now, back to the blog at hand.

As mentioned before in the beginning of the blog, Thanksgiving is here. Like most people, Jenn and I decided to take the family to Kentucky to see Jenn's family. Its the first time I am going to experience Thanksgiving in Kentucky. Well last night Jenn, Audrey, Freckles, and I packed into our cars and headed down OH-301 to start our drive to Kentucky. We had to take 2 cars. If you need to ask why, [see also: I Hate the Holidays].

Well I was driving ahead of Jenn and it was snowing. Snow + Country Road = adult version of slip and slide. As Jenn was driving she hit a patch of ice and slid off the road into a ditch. [see the photo on blog. Don't know where it will be because when I send blogs from my BlackBerry I have no say as to where it is placed].

We sat there for close to 90 minutes for a tow truck to come pull is out. By 11pm we were on a dry highway well on our way to Kentucky.

Now my blog today is serving 2 purposes.

1. To inform you of the adventure that has transpired.
2. To create a platform to make fun of my wife for a little bit.

Now, onto making fun of Jenn.

Yeah as her car was sitting in a ditch and the adrenaline wore off a bit, I decided to get out of my car and walk up to Jenn's car and let her know that she NEVER allowed to tell me how to drive EVER again. She said that she is a safe driver and that she didn't wreck the car so I can't say that.
I retorted, that's true, but then again, my car isn't sitting in a ditch.

I hate the holidays!

I'm going to try and write this without spewing profanity, but I apologize in advance if I slip up a bit.

Its the holidays and forgive me for being the Grinch, but I say the month of December should not exist. Again, this is coming from a cynical retail employee in the midst of a holiday rush. I am actually writing this on my Blackberry during a quick break.

I just experienced a smart ass customer. I know that people out there view retail sales employees as slimy, crooked, and stupid. Unless you live under a rock, you will know that my employer launched a new product that rivals another competitors product. The only real similarity that my product has and my competitors product has is; the touch screen. That is where the similarities end.

Understandably I'm going to try and sell you one.

I can get into debates all day long about how my product is better and far more superior, but that's a boring argument. I will win every time.

What makes me even more mad is that people have totally unreal expectations.

For instance:
I happen to be standing next to our new product and see a customer getting frustrated with it. He said that the product is just not intuitive enough. It doesn't move as fast as it does in the commercials.

Well duh! Nothing ever is the same as it is in the commercial. My audi doesn't do jack knife reversal moves right off the lot. Should it? It did it in the commercial. But I don't know how to do it, so therefore my car won't do it.

This isn't the Matrix. I am not going to learn something just by watching the commercial or loading a program into the port on the back of my head. I have to spend time learning it.

So when you walk up to a display and start pushing buttons on a screen like court reporter trying to document a boxing fight, no, it isn't going to work like the commercial because the guy in the commercial isn't a screen molesting jerk. He is pushing a button, waiting for the product to respond, like you should in real life.

If you walk up to my sales floor and you tell me that you are a customer and tell me you don't like the new product, that's fine. If you want it to be like a competitors product, then just go buy the competing product. I will not tell you what you want to hear just to make the sale. I will be honest with you and tell you that it has its limitations. It isn't Jesus. It won't turn water into wine. Just by touching my product you can tell that it isn't as intuitive huh? What if I made snap judgments about you? I will walk up to you and touch you, then procede to tell you that you aren't as intuitive as your commercial. Let me do what I do best and walk you through how everything works first before you snap judgment on it. I'm the professional, not you. I'm trying to show this product and help you gauge how this works in real life. You, just touching it and beating it up like an economy class rental car isn't going help you figure anything out. Its like beating your wife and expecting her not to leave you.

This one is short

It is snowing.

I have to walk to the dog this morning. I'm not exciting.

Mother Nature is cruel.

Not sure how I feel

I have been quiet all day. I feel like I have been at a party all night and am working off a hangover. Its like I'm unsure how I feel about the random girl in bed with me, meaning, I'm not sure how I feel about this election.

Obama won. I can't change that. So I have come to the conclusion that I either have to embrace the change or fight it. Fighting it will not help anyone. It will not change the fact that Obama is going to be the President.

I need to be optimistic about this. My sister-in-law said it best. Obama could be the best president in the universe. My older brother took a More pessimistic view. Obama will be lucky to make it to January 20th, which is his inauguration date.

My hope is that Obama keeps his views somewhat centered. I think even he might be a little afraid of having a super majority in the government, and I'm sure he will keep the leftist views centered.

I know blacks, gays, and the poor are happy about this change. What is even more strange is that young professionals are happy about this change, which makes me believe that this change could be what the country could need. I am not going to jump on the Obama support train, but I will not discredit what he has to say just because he doesn't hold all my views. I must remain skeptical.

I am happy to see this change, and I believe in this country to take back the power it gives, if they feel that it isn't serving them.

The democrats have the ball. They are either going to fix this crisis, or they or going to make it worse. They will have the glory, and must share the failure if it comes to that.

I do not feel Obama is going to give us a tax cut. It doesn't add up. You can cut taxes and pay for a $700 billion bail out, on top of Nancy Pelosi's economic stimulus plan totalling $150 million.

Obama can't cut taxes for 95% of the people when only 65% of the country pay taxes.

Nonetheless, Obama can rally people behind a cause that I agree with. Help America.

The 44th President of The United States.....

.....is not a Republican named John McCain.

I was up late last night. A lot later than I had anticipated. I was not expecting this election to be the seemingly landslide victory that it turned out to be.

Now I am not going to punch out a blog damning the diligent voters of America. I want to congratulate them. Congratulations on a successful election. I won't lie, my guy didn't win. But it is what it is. The American public voted, and in record numbers, and they elected Obama.

Now I have been sitting up all morning watching the news and all the pundits are saying that America is tired of the Bush administration and its failed economic policy. The pundits are saying that America is tired of the failed foreign policy. Now that Obama is President Elect, I can finally say that they are true.

Now that the Bush Era is coming to a close, I don't think his Administration was a total failure. During the Bush Administration, we saw the worst attack on America besides Pearl Harbor. We haven't seen one since. During the Bush Administration, every tax payer received a check from the government on top of their regular refund called a tax rebate. During the Bush Administration we invaded a country, disposed of a tyrant dictator, and are helping to set up a Democracy, albeit under false pretenses, but nonetheless it was done, and instead of cutting our losses and running, we stayed the course and are helping the fledgling government get on its feet so that we can one day leave their country.

The Obama Era is beginning. Obama was able to energize a people to vote, and vote they did. Now that Obama has made it all the way to the White House, I would love for him to renounce any party ties and have an objective view.

It is one thing to have liberal views because you have them, it is quite another to have party ties. Now every move he makes is tainted with the thought that he is being controled by a political party, instead of being an independent thinker. I would ask the same thing of John McCain.

The Republican party is now dead for now. They need to dissolve and when Obama dinounces his ties to the Democrats, that party will be dead too and we will now have a government run by a person who is in it for America and not his political party.

Thank you America for voting.

I hope America made the right decision.

Thank-you Lance for the picture from your blog.